uglybutadorable - the return =)

2010 - The past impact

2010-02-16T04:20:00.004+08:00

Dear to whoever you are,

all the memories you read starting from February (from bottom to top) would be a secret between you and me. This is not a glamorous thing I would show it to everyone. So far I would say, less than 3 person had read it ever since I decided to bury all these terrible pasts. And to whom I had invited you in, you are very special.

This blog is just about the near half part of the past. The first few parts had been deleted together with the older blog. And I left this behind accidentally when I found it still there.

Years had passed. 4 years since, when I am writing this. I can never forget, no matter what I did neither nor if I had deleted this blog that time. Reason is because, these pasts had greatly brought upon a huge impact in my life and views towards my future. Because of these incidents, I do not dare to engage with any true relationships with friends or the one, where I used to put in so much without much consciousness and so willing to sacrifice.

I'm afraid to get hurted again. And when I try to move forward that little, I withdraw half of that little again. So hard for me to go.

And even until today, I can never forget because I could not and not reluctant. I could never forgive him till the day I enter my grave. Those memories remain so sharp and clear.. Because of these wounds, I began to develop short-term memory where I rarely remember things happened yesterday. I try not to remember small details such as feelings in life.

For every little move into a new relationship, I do it in caution. I had the phobia of letting people near me. I had phobia of seeing strangers ever since. When you had read through my experiences and imagined the situations I had been through, I hope you would fully understand about some of my unacceptable/rude behaviours I had shown in some circumstances.

For if you could stand in my shoes and view the situation, it is not the usual juvenile, meaningless whining teenager life you could imagine. A young teenager having to endure all the agony, pain of tools, lying on the surgery table and lights shrieking on her face. The most shameful moments that scarred for life.

These flashbacks appear once in a while. She took it with a light heart and wouldn't be upset anymore even when these hooked up again. However, the important lessons she had learnt, the possibilities of repeating the history again, she would rather slap dead the light itself before the fire roars.

To whoever who is going to read this history, I hope you would gain a deeper understanding of me. The past is past and isn't important, however the past me is still me, and understanding of the past that becomes me is significant.

JX

finally back

2006-09-07T02:43:00.000+08:00

wasnt quite shocked when i saw all those idiotic comments. - u wanna do it another round? u're on i'm not.

we had all grown up, don't do this kind of games anymore k? they are so puerile and childish acts. take it back.

trouble makers, seemed to be such an enjoying job. i know yr heart had not be purify and yet heal. there are still so many hatred in u. while all my grudges against u had all disappeared as time goes by. i dont blame u b*, we were so young then. u plotted all them and did it. arent u satisfied? we are all done. get yr own life. don't do s* things. same goes to yr *f, who fell into yr trap too.

u are no longer small kid. learn to be forgiving and rest this matter? did i interrupt yr life? if not, why do u still want to do this?

u want to dump me to have a new gf. i granted u. wad more do u still want? isn't that enough? i have already forgiven u. don't get angry abt my forgive for u. it's not yr fault. ok.. let's be sacastic enough to cheer u up.

u once told me i'm prettier than anyone else. yr lover will be the prettiest as always. i could rmb clearly u told me all the gals in ur yr 1 class are all of shit looks. haha. here, i dont comment.

but weird leh.. how come u go steady for a ur so-called 'shit look' gal in ur class? except for that one but especially that h*. changed new taste to a shit one isn't it?

dont tell me u're denying it. sure u will calling bitch, flat, slut and bla bla bla. who said this? not me. u shld be calling yrself B******. lol.. i will definity agree. =)

i nv regretted knowing u this h* d* ass. u made me a grown-up, forcing me to face the cruel side of the reality. before yr retribution is coming, u can continue to do so. i dont mind. sooner or later. the more u cursed plus bad-mouthed, the heavier the punishment u would deserve. let's lay out and watch?

stop it as no one helps u. one dividing into three. enjoy!

wad is this?

2006-09-01T00:36:00.000+08:00

在那最后5分钟的眼泪中，已告诉了你，把我的忍耐推到了极限。

我们不能再在一起了，不要浪费彼此的时间。

为你流的泪水，都是含着你给我的痛，痛，和痛，而流下的。

如果你受不了单身的生活，我会鼓励你再碰碰运气，看看有没有更好的美景，就是千千万万别回头找我。

到此为止。

sneaking out here..

2006-08-30T02:01:00.000+08:00

damn irritated when i couldnt get through that spsu guy!

rrly miss my clubhouse.. ya la ya la.. and u.
给你爽一下下！哈哈！

Zzz..

shit.. cant slp.. i've been suffering from insomnia! lots of pimples keep popping out! how i wish i could use the eyebrow shaver and cut the "pink hills" smooth! hahahaha!!! make the whole forehead smooth first, the consequences.. scars all over. haiz.. worse!

lavendar can cure insomnia. - i don't want to leave any other smell on my bed except for my one. lol..

how how?? haiz.. i don't want to face those 'pink popping cuties' whenever i wake up. darn demoralising..

my pillow is getting a bit smelly nowadays. the tearful smell juz cannot diffuse away. blame my br who reminded me of that bastard last night. was having a heavy tear flow before i came bloggin. ='/

it was such a meaningless day. eh? it's 2 plus am now. ok, consider that boring day as ytd.

i was playing with my guzheng and appreciating the beautiful rhythms. haiz.. for half a yr i had not touched it, now i did! haha.. still as good as before. =P

however, my teacher passed away last yr, bao bi. he was only 40 or 50+. he was such a nice teacher who coached me for 4 whole yrs! i started to miss him now. i have no idea where to continue my guzheng. wanna get my grading soon. where can i find a teacher as good as that one? haiz..

i still rmb we (my co friends) always made fun of the bird nest on his head! lol.. it rrly tickles me when i think of it. haha.. he always give us treat. so generous. a good man to his own heaven.

haiz.. nowhere to show off my guzheng skills. wad a pity.. lol! nitex people!

hughug*
aika =)

微笑里的眼泪。。。

2006-08-23T23:53:00.000+08:00

我很难受。。。在这夜深人静的夜晚，我再也撑不住那一千滴的眼泪，随着它们夺眶而出。

一眨眼，17年很快就过去了。在我人生最低潮的时刻，也是从这里开始。。。

reflections of myself =)

2006-08-10T00:47:00.000+08:00

满怀气怒只会让你从重蹈覆辄，
只有原谅别人才能让你活得快乐。

this is something i saw when i roamed in the guang ming san temple.

too profound? cannot understand?
haiz.. let me translate it into english.

"angry with others is how u made yr mistakes,
forgiving others is to make yrself happy. =)

hmm.. same logic but hope i didn't make any mistakes in the translation.

buddhism is so wonderful isn't it? it has so many philosophies behind it. even animals believe in buddhism and able to feel it. haha.. wanna know?

ever since the early of this year, this yellow bird would always fly back to my house everyday at 6 to 7pm without fail. it would cling itself onto a thin branch of my pink blossom, facing the buddha in my dad's worship room and spend its night here. it would listen to the buddhist prayers which my dad always play every nights. it's not afraid of us even we tried to get close, it feels so peaceful..

shh.. it's sleeping. initially, we have no idea what is this and where it come from. well, within an hour ago i juz found this!

http://gallery.clubsnap.com/showphoto.php/photo/9866

it's a Sunbird!

wanna know more abt this cutey?

http://www.naturia.per.sg/buloh/birds/Nectarina_jugularis.htm

haha.. it's such a glorious one! so pretty. resembles the brightness of the sun and it has a perfect name too! =)

anyway, it's still a miracle that it rather sleeps n listen to the buddhist prayer than its own nest. haha..

shld i be happy?

2006-06-02T13:35:00.002+08:00

i don't have much time left. now, it's time for me cherish everything around me. i'm exhausted now.. by so many stab backs. though i may leave this world earlier than my friends and family, i'm not upset. soon, i will be sent to the place where i belong. =)

how much time will there be for me? hmm.. 3yrs? haha.. no idea. i still have so many things awaiting for me to do. i cant juz leave like this yeah?

guys, treasure yr life. strive for a brighter day!

Added on May 09 - When I was health-scanned and the doctor told me that he found smth inside my womb! O.O But after a few months later, the other doctor told me there was nothing in there.

诚心诚义

2006-05-25T10:19:00.000+08:00

平时blog英文的时候，我总觉得不够profound, 无法彻彻底底地把我的感觉说出来。

now, does hatred exist in u? wad r all these bullshit about? calling me all sorts of vulgarities will make u happy? wad will u get at the end of the day? honour? being praised for yr bravery? seeking others' attention? tell them how ugly u r? 小人.

to the person who 'help' him, u r simply picking on me. i rrly cannot believe tat a girl like u would actually believe in wad he said and actually helped to get him back his 'rights'. don't deny it. i have no comments abt u.

mr coward, 相信我，你永远无法通过你良心的考验。
我只能坚定地跟你说：“这全是天意，也是你应得的。"

going for a body examination today. all the best.

all these things will not happen if u give me a bit more time to recover myself.
u lied tat u will leave her and come back to me. i made my final trust in u. wad did i get in the end? a pack of lies. u hugged me tight in yr arms while i kept pushing u away. asking me to cry in yr arms when yr heart isn't with me anymore. betraying u and her.

如果那是个天衣无缝的谎言，我可能就不会那样痛苦了。

谢谢你教导我人心陷恶。我变得坚强了许多。

after statements had been made.

2006-05-17T00:38:00.000+08:00

went to CID this morning to make statements. the process has already taken me almost 4 hrs. during this process, i had to force myself to recall every single memories. step by step carefully. surprisingly, my wounds did not hurt at all which i suppose would be. they may be there but they did not react. my brain was working with all the images. i felt tat i was so naive last time to believe a liar whom lied to me in the first place before the beginning of the relationship. even more, gave in to his promise. haha.. anyway it's over. it's a serious lesson tat i learnt to be more aware of guys in the future, plus, learn to choose a better guy. =)

where is yr conscious?

2006-05-15T22:54:00.001+08:00

when i got back sasa and lala, my heart ached. how come they are so skinny? how come they were not given any food or water? they were starved and thirst all day! if u want to release yr anger or hatred, they are not supposed to suffer. cruel man. i start to worry for your hamster. it shld not be taken under an irresponsible person who is not able to take basic care for it. YOU ARE NOT WORTH!

i'm going for the police investigation tml. i want to stand up and face it alone.

another thing - to Mr Foo whom posted so many comments on my blog.
first thing first, i nv push any blames to u.
second, i nv say it is yr fault.
third, no right for u to comment abt me because u r inhuman.
fourth, u r not a man of words.
fifth, u r a big liar.
sixth, it is not up to me if i want to sue u or not.
seventh, i am not helping u if u do not realise yr mistake.
eighth, i am neutral. i am not the one who press charge against u.
ninth, singapore holds justices and rights.
tenth, yr conscious had been eaten away.
eleventh, continue to feel that u are right to ruin me.
twelveth, do believe in karma.
last, yr retribution is coming.

Added on May 09 - When this post reminded me of how he tortured my poor loves, I wanna see his retribution.

back my daughters

2006-05-15T15:22:00.001+08:00

i miss sasa and lala badly. wonder if they are abused by an irresponsible owner whom almost abandoned his hamster and fled. how can i hand it over to a heartless person like this? i hope it will be alright once there.

Added on May 09 - Used to keep 2 'daughters' with him. But he tried to offer them cigarettes after our r/s soured. - never able to forgive him cos' of this.

to the morons out there who don't get my point.

2006-05-14T10:52:00.002+08:00

PLEASE READ MY BLOG CAREFULLY AND GET MY POINT BEFORE U LEAVE ANY SENSELESS COMMENTS ON MY POST.

I WOULD NOT ERASE AWAY THE COMMENTS THE THREE IDIOTS MADE. I WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE THE COMMENTS THEY MADE ARE TOTALLY SENSELESS AND STUPID WITHOUT READING MY POST CAREFULLY AND COMPLETELY UNCLEAR OF MY STAND.

READ THE TITLE OF THE POST AGAIN - let's bury the crime. WAD'S THE MAIN POINT? STOP ACTING SMART.

i was the one who cancelled the charges against him last month. now it's the government who wants to press charge against him. get it?

a crime is made. he broke the law. he ruined the girl's life and he left her heart broken. so who's the victim?

i was the one whom SAVED HIM being throw BEHIND THE BAR.
i was the one whom rather KILLED MYSELF to END this scandal.
i was the one whom LEFT HIM SCOT-FREE.
i was the one whom SAVED HIS FAMILY.
AND I WAS THE ONE WHOM PURPOSELY HID THE EVIDENCES TO COVER UP FOR HIM.
understand?

so the crucial point - the GOVT wants to HOLD RIGHTS AND JUSTICE here. get it idiots?

he's heartless and i'm doing all these things for him. to save a beast from crime? i did.
so shld u ACCUSE ME.

Added on May 09 - The 'anonymous' is used by 3 different users. 1 or 2 out of the 3 are my friends actually. This was when I withdraw the charges. Couldn't bear to hurt him despite those unforgivable acts he had done to me.

let's bury the crime.

2006-05-13T01:17:00.001+08:00

i woke up in the morning and found a smashed and bloody mosquito in the middle of my sleeping pillow - bad sign.

i received a letter from the CID telling me to help them in their investigations. no choice to reject but to go. he had committed a crime and there is no turning back. i don't want to press any charges against and had made myself clear. for now it was the government who wants to hold rights and justices because of one wrong step he had done. please, i had already forgiven him why couldn't u people let me off? he will get his retribution one day. wad goes around comes around. now it comes but i don't wish to hurt anyone in this round. for he had lied of how clean and innocent he was and how evil i was. for he had been telling stories to cover up for himself and using all the puppets to point their fingers against me, i despise him. no one can deny he's a bastard and a hopeless coward who wouldn't have to the guts to admit his mistakes. worse enough, to destroy a victim completely to get rid of all his shameless actions.

y am i still covering up for him? u may ask. not tat i'm soft-hearted and neither nor i'm weak to face the reality. i do hate him, but all my hatred are buried deep inside my heart together with my wounds, healing. one reason, i want to let it end. law will never erase off a person's sins, but hold rights. if he did not feel repentous and guilty of wad he had done, he is hopeless. all my friends were telling me: "he didn't feel appreciated for wad u had gone through for him, why r u still helping him? he's heartless!" yes he is, but whoever killed his conscious are rather sinned.

Added on May 09 - I wouldn't be glad if he was really jailed.

the day before vesak..

2006-05-11T15:04:00.001+08:00

damn exhausting today.. got home with piles of work to do. wad rrly f*ck me now is my maths and autocad! haiz.. think have to practise even more on logarithms and radians. well, so this is the consequences of not taking Amaths in the past. hey! nothing can beat me! i'm going to work really hard tml - but where's my study desk?? guess i got to wait for another few more weeks. haiz..

i was damn shocked the moment i stepped into my blog. 27 comments! wad the hell? after then i found out some gundu sami go played a fool in my blog - wonder if he was so bo liao? worst part, don't know how to spell my name properly for both past and present name. haha.. i was laughing my head off then. not because of the spelling mistakes, but because the way he wrote was so hilarious and adorable. i could imagine the way he said it. haha.. cute. thanks for cheering me up. though i have no idea who u r, but i really appreciate it. thank u =)

talking about names.. - sry i gotta sigh again. haiz~ i'm going to change again. well.. how u people think about jia xi? cos' it was recently when my parents found out that it was no difference from my previous name. anything they want nah.. as long as my name doesn't contain any hui or shu i will be satisfied enough.

suddenly miss ruffles. hey frank, do u bear to see ruffles being single forever? anyway, i think u have the ability to make her feel loved throughout her whole life. i know u're a responsible guy. lol.. haha.. till now i have yet see her. when r u bringing her out? plus i'm free. hope to see her soon.

Added on May 09 - This was when I changed my name.

stop coming into my mind!

2006-05-06T23:19:00.001+08:00

every morning when i wake up, my brain will surely tell me to lay for another few minutes first thing in the morning. but this morning when i woke up, my brain wanted me to think of him! wad the hell?! he juz kept flashing through my mind. don tell me the kiss yesterday was so strong?! i feel so irritated! i was like messing up my hair, trying hard to get rid of him! argh!

he even asked me out for dinner. i was so freaked out! i don't know why. i'm worried to face him. i don't know wad exactly happened ytd but it was like a dream. wad happened ytd was a DREAM! i have no idea wad kind of guy is he. i can't trust him and all these juz happened too fast. i'm not ready for it. haiz..

it was my mummy's bdae today. haha. i went to supermarket this morning to buy ingredients for my cooking. hmm.. bought a cornet (some kind of western pastry), lettuce and blah.. then i went home to make breakfast for her. my first time to cook for my family this year - i used to cook for my ex only. surprisingly, the food turned out to be quite delicious even after half a year that i didn't enter the kitchen. she was very touched. =P

hmm.. my cookings.. actually all these credits partly go to him. well, ever since i knew him, i started pick up cooking and borrowing yummy recipes from the library. i would cook for him almost once a week. salmon steak, potato pasta, strawberry artichoke and blah.. so many things tat i cant recall.. i would alw go to his school to look up for him and pass him the bentos. he would alw praise me. i scalded myself many times during cooking. it was actually because of him, i become a good cook. though i was grateful to him for toughing me up, but i nv stop hating him.

i gave up cooking for half a year after our breakup. i thought i would nv touch the kitchen again. however, my family nv want me to give up cooking. they even bought me an oven to make cookies. haha.. finally.. =P

Added on May 09 - Almost forgotten.

nag nag nag..

2006-05-02T07:43:00.000+08:00

ahh.. wad a refreshingly morning! good morning everyone! haiz.. y am i typing all these? lol..

there's always someone who kept gan jiong me to mention his holy name in my blog. wanna know who? he is.................MR.....................AL.................................ahem.. well, let's juz call him Mr Nice. for the past few days, he's been encouraging me to stand up again. we knew each other in a damn surprising way. haha.. tt was after my akido lesson, and we were waiting for the train at jurong east MRT station, frank was asking him if to go take the train which the board showed "Please do not board." lol.. n this guy replied, "let's go in and see how it turns out!" - hey.. correct me if i'm wrong. =P cos' of this, i thought he's frank's friend and i began to say hello to him. well, i found myself weird when he found me weird. finally then i knew he's not frank's friend but some commuter but from SP of different sch. lol..

erm.. wad more to say? aa.. it was juz the night before when he seemed to be *bit unwilling to talk to me - i was so upset. i kept holding onto the phone which then he had to coax me like a 3 yrs old child. i rrly felt like a little child throwing tantrums - he's too motherly! erm.. fatherly?

went out with my cell group friends on sun. well, joanne told me i'm xxx? i forgot tat word. she said my story is too dramatic, which she couldnt put herself to believe. she must be finding me weird and imagining things. esp when i told her abt the voice i heard again. she got freak out! lol..

thanks frank for giving me the permission to love ruffles secretly. lol.. i have strongly devoted in ruffles. she's so cute! i couldn't explain why i love her so much - mm.. strong magnetic field? zz..
ruffles doesn't know me anyway.. puppy love for puppy's love? haha..

weird enough!

2006-04-29T17:49:00.003+08:00

something reminded me of the bad things. suddenly i couldn't control all my movements but could only hear my heart pumping hysterically. i didn't know wad i was doing and nearly crossed the road when a motor sped by. i was at the middle of the road when i lost all my senses. i kept turning myself in the middle of the road without any reasons. my head was in a blank and i felt so weird. i tried to take control of myself again and quickly ran across the road. it rrly scares me. =(

Added 16/2/10: This is the day where I was hanging my head down while walking out from the office to Tanjong Pagar MRT. I couldn't hold back the tears and carried my heavy foots when my whole body felt so weak. The day in my where I felt so upset to the extent that I couldn't hear anything except my broken heart. I didn't know even when I had already crossed the road and the motor nearly hit me. It was such a shock. The motorist screamed at me fiercely but I couldn't hear whatever he said. There were lots of cars following up and I started to feel so panicked in between the speeding cars..

anyone pls save me?

2006-04-26T10:32:00.000+08:00

sleeping halfway through last night when i couldn't endure the pain anymore. i called out for my mom's help. i was sobbing and groaning. held tight onto my fists.. releasing all the pain.. it didn't help much anyway.. when i woke up, it is still there.

admission to hospital last night

2006-04-21T09:48:00.002+08:00

i got so provoked tat i jumped off from my house. so disappointed tat i cant jump. windows r being locked. not allowed to go anywhere and do anything ever since the incident last night.

5 pm plus, i locked myself inside the store room screaming and crying. releasing all my uncomfy out of my heart. no answer.. nth.. wad shld i do? as told, asked to kill myself as the only way. then i'm forced to live again. wad's the another option? juz locked myself in the room and stayed aloof from this cruel reality.

an hour less later, all the civil servants and police officiers juz came over my home. i got rrly upset cos' things were getting worse. my only shield was forced open. i have no more courage to face the whole world. all i did was to grab a bag beside me and cover up my look. i don't want anyone to touch me - i feel filthy. forced to make statements, forced to send to hospital. forced to stay there, finally to the Institute of Mental Health. told i was suffering from mental problems. if refused to stay there, the police would send me to. i couldn't do anything, so helpless. i don't want to be mixed with those crazy people, i will become mad.

when i was in the hospital, the bastards were there. he sat there, concerning no me. if unwilling, don't come. i hate him to the core.

Added on xxx: The day when I committed suicide and cut my wrist inside the storeroom. Finally I lost control when I saw the pic he took with her on friendster. I took a knife and locked myself inside the storeroom. Suddenly I couldn't get a grip on myself anymore and started to scream and banged onto the walls, inside the small little room. It seems to be the end of the day.. The pain in my heart is over-bearable, that when I cut myself, those didn't hurt even the blood was gushing out.

Roughly an hour later.. the ambulance came so as the police. I am forced out of the little safety zone and sent to the hospital. I told my family that I really missed him, even all the immoral things he had done to me, and so they informed him and he came. From what I heard from my mom few weeks later, he said this heartlessly, "It is not my business if she died. We are impossible now." And that he never want to see me again..

who am i?

2006-04-19T15:46:00.000+08:00

i started to despise myself. evil has taken over me. hatred exists right in my heart now.
anyone help? who am i?

i nv bear grudges and nv hate anyone. now i do for someone who hurted me so much. i want to be free and so does him. i feel unfair for myself because of his own benefits and selfishness. love can rrly turn to hatred. he brings out my devil and kills my angel. i hate myself so much for tat i become like this. i've been crying for the past 2 days for wad i had done. feeling so remorseful and regretted.

his peers turned up to me and calling me bitch and all kinds of ugly words. if u people with no sense only heard one side of story then pls shut up. u don't know anything yet u r putting all the blames on me. fine. i hate u all. leave me alone!

i seek for understandings. for my friends, u may think wad i had done r despicable but u r not me, u don't know how i feel. i know u r saying things harsh to wake me up, but my angel had been defeated. comments from family and friends, neither evil nor kind, i had to decide myself. i'm seeking for salvation ever since easter day. i stood on the holy ground to let god touch me. i might be feeling better the next day. however, when the cowards came barking to me, they encouraged my devil to alive. to think i can let him free the very day, everything is spoilt. i know he doesn't want to be with me. there i want to let him go.

if u people had given up hopes with me, i had no listener. feeling ashamed of my actions.

our sms last night. damn cruel!

2006-04-08T09:09:00.001+08:00

Him: hey.. how's work today?

Me: no work. meeting tml?

Me: i tot u said tml?

Him: no.. is 15/4 ma.. nt tml..

Him: wait.. dun tell me u tot is tmr.. erm.. i told u b4 is15/4 le.. n can we dun contact so frequently? i gt my personal prob de.

Him: ???can reply?

Me: i didn't contact u for the past few days.. if u donwan to contact me then don sms me.

Him: no.. i didn say tmr.. tmr i gt meeting in early mornin.. i wont say tmr de.. i told u after ur orientation tat week nt tmr.. n i told u e date too

Him: i'm meeting u on 15/4 nt tmr hor. i mean dun sms to my hp.. i gt my own personal prob too.. dun sms and call to my hp can le..

Me: i don't

Him: but u sms me to alw slp early.. those nitex msg.. i cant reply.. n i'll take care of myself de.. so dun wry so much.

Me: i don't expect u to reply bcoz i know u don't wish to.

Him: dun send sms to me.. i've probs too.. i hope u give me blessings to my love life. i've a rocky relationship cos of this. pls

Me: alw go out with her?

Him: no. i've work too.. she's ok if i dun acc her.. i dun wish bcos of sms from u make e both of us have a rocky relationship.

Me: kissed?

Him: nope.

Me: who is she? who's the darling in the testi?

Him: y u ask? conclusion is, i feel very frustrated and diff with all these probs.

Me: juz tell me..

Him: y u ask? wad r u goin to do to her? r wad u goin to do to me if u know? i hope u do nth lo..

Him: i cant tell u.. rrly.. i dunwan u to do anythin u know?? pls.. juz give us blessings.. are u goin to break us up?

Me: how much u love her? don be paranoid. is she xxxxxx?

Him: i love her alot. i hope u dun do things to us, u said something cannot be mended back. as long as u are living a lovely life, i will be happy

Me: how much u loved me last time? my love for u cant even compare with her.. i understand..

Him: last time is last time.. i hope u let me do things which i like.. i dunwan to suffer in my live.. u cant alw cling on me de lo..

Me: i'll be the victim to suffer btw u two.. bless u..

Him: sry to say tat.. i now gt meeting in 1 min le.. tmr nitex if possible sms u aga. dun reply le.. dun reply to my hp too. nitex.

--
Me: honestly tellin u i'm damn hurt.. my love for u has nv changed.. bye..

Him: wat do u expect me to do??? expect me to break up with her???

Me: i'm sry.. don leave me.. don.. don leave me..

Him: bcos of this matter, i dunhave a good time to live! all the blessings u give are nt from ur heart! i told u dun sms to my hp le..

Me: i did alo of things for the past few days.. i kept my feelings for mths bcoz i donwan to upset u.. i don dare to tell u i don dare to tell u how damn hurt n upset i was.. i wrote the diary.. wishin how much u will come back for me.. 2 yrs of r/s.. i put so many efforts.. i know i'm wrong.. sry.. sry.. i rrly love u..

--
Him: wat's the use of tellin me all this?? cant u let me've my own life?? y must u keep doin things which i dun like?? told u nt to sms me le! are u happy to c us break??

Me: i cant slp all these days.. i'm sufferin in there.. i donwan u to be angry with me. i feel even worse..

Me: no i'm not.. don be angry.. i told u from the start i love u.. i donwan to accept this fact.. i was cryin for the past 3 hrs thinking.. i donwan to harm u.. pls stand in my shoes.. i'm a human.. i love u so much yet u love her.. is tat fair to me? i cant stand..

Him: i know ure human! N i love u in e past! but lately we break, u rmb how u treat me?? on v.day?? u punch, kick, slap!! one's limit! how u threaten me lately?

Him: all this hings means u wan me to go back 2 u and break up with her izzit?? i also have feelings ok??? when can i stop this fcuking things?!! can stop?! i'm also human!!

Me: u asked me to wait for 3 weeks. i waited. then u kept asking me to wait.. i listened to u.. i love u do u know? can u understand my feelings? i told u before i will only love u in my whole lifetime.. i said i'll wait for u. i told u i'll marry to u and give u kids. the swear u n me made on the bridge.. so touching so real.. y do we end up like this? y.. my heart couldn't stop aching.. i donwan to break u up.. i wan u to be happy. but i donwan to c my love to go.. u understand? even my ma knows i love u so deeply.. she asked me to bring u up to our home aga.. she said since i love u so much then ask u back.. who knows u change so fast?

Me: i know i'm wrong.. sry.. i know i may not able to mend all the hurt i've done to u.. but i donwan u to leave me. for mths i've been changing myself.. u said u cant change. since u cant i'll change to suuit u.. i did alot of things. i'm not stubborn anymore but yr heart's no longer with me.. i feel my heart tearing..

Me: we left so many memories on my bed. yr smell. but they faded as my tears went. my sorrow fills my pillows.. i will think of u whenever i slp.. praying to god to heal my heart n to heal yrs. i change myself to be ready to be accepted by u.. i donwan u to be troubled.. blessings for u r real but my tears r not fake..

Him: i've been so troubled tat i started to smoke n drink!!y?? bcos rel prob sucks! i even quarrel with her juz bcoz of u! i dunwan 2 be troubled n rocky rel can??

Me: don misunderstand me pls.. i oso dunno wad to do.. sob.. sob.. i'm cold bcoz i'm holding back my tears, rmb the rings we wanted to buy last time? i ran 3 perlini's silverto buy. catching the rain too. i fell some more. i wrote every page of diary. i did alot of things juz to say sry i love u. cool down.. don be so fierce to me.. i hug yr bear everyday.. juz like u r juz beside.. hoping one day to return back to yr arms.. juz now i was knitting smth for u.. halfway u told me abt her.. i feel so much like a sinner.. wad's wrong to love u.. i let go.. but juz hiding my love for u bcoz i donwan u to be worked up..

Him: can dun cry?? i also dunno wat's wrong to love ano gal after breakin up!! it makes me full of unwanted troubles n frustrations!! y?? y?!

Me: she doesnt love u as much as i do. i nearly jumped off the building last time but sally they all held me back. i know u alreadi have yr heart changed. think of me. 2yrs.. we r not of ordinary r/s. i feel so much like husband and wife. i know i .belong to u forever. don go.. don go.. i cant live w/o u.. i nv accept any guys after our breakup. bcoz there's u in my heart. but nv do i expect u change. i tot u would even love me more. when u told me last time i'm the one who u love most, i was so touched. i tot i could invest more love in u but y it turns out like this? where our promises go?

Me: u said i was not stupid xxx~. i trust u. i tot u could stay yr heart with me firmly. but y? i was nv seduce by any guys. when i heard u have condoms, i was so scared and worried tat i had lost u. i tot u xxxx with her. i broke into tears when i ended call with u. i dunno wad to do. i dunno. i'm living in agony.

Him: i just dunwan to talk le k?? cant u give me peace?? y cant u let me go?? how am i supposed to meet u on next sat with this conditions still goin on?!

Me: wad's the purpose to meet me when u don't love me anymore? i actually plan to tell u.. how much i love u.. yet this is how u treat me. u know how sai i am now? u were nv like this.. i need u..

Him: can u stop?? i dunwan to talk abt rel things!! i feel tat i'm stupid to live in this world! full of troubles! i've a gf! u wan to c us break den u happy izzit??

Me: don treat me like tat.. wad am i now? dirty lass? i feel abandoned by u.. someone who tot to love me.. i feel abandoned.. i don mind if u have a gf.. but i'm yrs..

Me: how much i hope all these craps tat u have her r lies to piss me off. but y r they real? who is she? can u tell me? i rrly wan to know.. who is she xxxxx mentioned?? who??

Him: but in ur heart, u'll tink tat how muc u wish tat i break up wif her n return by ur side!! if u're blessin're true, will u behave liddat?? will u give me peace in sp??

Me: i came to sp bcoz of u. last time u wan me to join u so tat we can meet oftenly. u even threw tantrums when i said i go for jc. but y do i have to face the cruelty btw u n her?

Him: u soon'll find out. i dunwan to say le. i'm tired n troubled after 1 day. my dad ask me slp. dun reply to my hp anymore.. pls.. dun..

Me: i wan to know! who?? xxxxxxx?!

Him: tat's last time.. i rrly gotta rest.. my dad scoldin me! everybody treatin me liddat! i've to go le.. nitex.. dun reply dun reply..

Me: who is she? who is she?? i need u.. don go.. don leave me..

Him: u know wat?? i promise her not to contact u anymore!! but i still contact!! i'm betrayin her!! n u said u willin to be 3rd party?? do u wan us to have rocky rel??

Me: who is she? i wan to beg her.. who is she? i know it's xxxxxxx.. her name is xxxxxxx.. don go..

Me: i sincerely bless u two but i'm hurted at the same time. i wan u back bcoz i love u. i nv hav tat intention to break u up. but i plead u to come back to me. consoling me these r all lies.. all lies.. deceiving me or so.. i rrly hope time can go back. if not, i don mind to be hidden 3rd party. i'm willing.. i don mind sharing as long as i can still hav u by my side. don go.. i'm abandoned. i donwan.. pls don throw me away..

Me: sry tat i didn't treasure u in the past.. sry.. but my love for u r deep n true. nv change.. nv.. my greatest nightmare is to lose u. i told u before we broke up. i was so worried. y cant u wait for me but i can? y.. y.. i shouted out yr name several times when i was dreamin.. do u know tat?

--next morning

Him: can u dun make wild guess? it's nt her. n i dunwan u to beg her. juz leave her alone.. i've my own prob de k?! cant u spare my life?! told u nt 2 reply le. working

Me: i told u i'll wait for u n don u feel betraying me too?? i nv do anything tat betray u! how long have u go steady with her n how long with me? wad abt me? y u treat me like this? i wan to know who she is.

Me: do u understand how hurt i am? y muz u think i'm alw the source of troub? i'm so hurted when u treated me so harshly tat time! i cant imagine it's u.. i need u..

Him: wat do u wan to do to her?? u tell me!! stop makin my day bad can?? i told u nt to sms to me le!! y u wan to know her??? doin bad things to us???

Me: then y doin bad things to me?? y make me hurt?? y u don love me anymore?? who is she??

Him: can u stop making troubles in my rel?? y cant u stop?? i've enuff!! i dunwan to have any more troubles can?? i wan my love life!! i dunwan to be forced!!

Me: i hate quarrellin with u.. i need u.. tell me y yr love for me is so weak? 2 yrs! y cant u wait for me? y? y can u juz forget our past overnight? y i cant even compare to her?

Him: since u ask me tat, den y must i do e things u asked me to do?? y cant i start a new r/s?? is tat call freedom?? is tat in my life?? no!!

Me: i'm not impt in yr heart.. all lies.. i was so naive to think tat ur love for me will be everlastin. but it cant even stay firm through time goes by.. wrong to love u.. bye.

Him: i've meetings now le.. sry.. dun reply to my hp or i'll in great trouble.. i dunwan to risk my life.. dun sms to my hp..

*END*

tell me wad to do? helpless..

2006-04-08T08:57:00.001+08:00

holding back my tears whenever he talked to me abt his gf. i don't want to c or hear anything abt her! i was damn hurted! he kept asking me to give them my blessings. u're being cruel to me! stand in my shoes. forcing me to give u two blessings while i feel damn sad. no different of stabbing a knife into my heart. i said ok i give u ppl my blessings. i want to, but my heart wrenches so badly when i said so. i was crying n sobbing for 3 hrs during my sleep when i cant hold back my feelings anymore. i only told him i need him and he accused me for not giving them my real blessings. wad u want me to do? smile and acting joyful in front of u?? is it the response u want to see??

i hope i could do smth for u. i was knitting the thing when u told me u love her. i don't know how to continue knitting. i held back. y muz u be so cruel to make me face the reality? i did alot of things for these few mths thinking tat u will be back for me. u asked me to wait 3 weeks ok fine i waited. then u asked me to keep waiting and waiting until u told me u have someone u love. i nv love anyone except u! i kept recalling the swear we made on the bridge. how touching the scene was! but they r all lies! wad abt me?? two yrs of r/s!

rainin' all drenched

2006-04-04T17:52:00.001+08:00

went to buy smth this morning. forget abt my lunch. one wasted trip. tot the suitable ones are to be there. anyway, i finally found wad i want. spent 50 over bucks. even more it was raining for the whole early afternoon. i was all drenched. it worths anyway. =)

16/2/10: This is the day I would never forget. The raining scene, the things and the feelings I rmbed clearly. The day where I went to buy the rings (where last time he said are nice) in the heavy rain and I fell down while rushing back. Under the heavy rain where I searched for the dropped ring and get myself sick.

finally a happy day?

2006-03-28T23:46:00.000+08:00

working as a counter crew at mc has always been wad i am waiting for! finally i am one! cheers! second day standing in the very front border. cool. though i'm yet familiar with the keys, but at least i did well. smile as u go!

boarded the bus. saw our fellow schmate. he has changed. better looking? haha. i only bother to look at cute indian guys - doesn't mean i'm interested. not too fair not too dark. haha. there went ah poh to ask for his contact no. he said can can without any hesitation. no one dares to reject him cos' he looks like a xxx. haha. well.. he's not my cup of tea. i don't think indian guys suit me though i like appreciating them - cos' most of them are quite stingy. lol.

drank again. not too drunk, semi-conscious. haha. cry out my heart. anyway, it's damn surprising for yoyo to console me when i was sobbing so heavily - cat has feelings too. it jumped up to the table and came to me. rubbing against my face, using its nose to rub against my mine, laying on my arms which is juz beside my head. so sweet. thank u. =)

crazy asshole

2006-03-27T09:22:00.000+08:00

looking back through my blog, i feel pathetic. the one guy makes me fall. i wonder he knows?

these days, i've been working like monster. more $ more $!

i have regretted. would u bring me home?

piss off!

2006-03-21T21:36:00.000+08:00

he asked: "can i go freely for other gals?"
obviously he's hinting me he's no longer return.
piss off!

a hug from him.

2006-03-18T08:59:00.000+08:00

last day we met. when i first saw him, he had a makeover. he changed alot. he becomes more mature. we ate mcdonald together. i don't want to look at his face, which it made me extremely uneasy. i don't want to talk to him, yet want to. i didn't know wad i want.

he sent me home afterwhich. halfway through, i stopped. this time, my sadness juz overwhelmed me. i miss him. for weeks i didn't see him, he grew taller and stronger. i want to love him yet hate him. i took him close to me, miss the feelings of loving him and be loved. yet i wasn't. slight force exerting on me. i knew he tried to push me away but he didn't - not wanting to upset me. he consoled me by stroking my head, calling me 'sha gua'. may be this beautiful lie filled me up.

i don't want him to send me home. instead, i sent him back. i wanted to hold his hands. he said no. he allowed to me cross his arm. putting my hand over his arm, clinging me there. sad enough, i let off. i don't need any comfort. i don't want to force him.

he gave back our diary. i looked through all. finally realised how much he had done for me, but i didn't give any appreciation. i even blamed him for not contributing. but he did, it's juz i didn't see. i sobbed for few hours. sry for not treasuring u. i know u're too exhausted for love. too much disappointment in me. recalling the days when u kept sacrificing yrself to protect me. we cant love anymore. i'm not the one who u used to love - the cheerful lass.

i do.

2006-03-13T23:15:00.000+08:00

i nv fail to face any failures, but him. cried terribly this morning. reason? i was so fierce to him this morning - wad's the pretence abt? i don't want to talk in such a tone - cos' i don't want to hate him. treating him badly might be a way of getting out from the agony. i was wrong.

the more i hurt him, the more i hurt myself. deceiving my feelings. i want to tell him how much i miss him, but he would always hurt me with words - "we are no longer together.", "i don't love u anymore". i juz avoid. i don't force him to love me, but let me love u at all costs. i don't mind hurting myself but i mind the way u look at me. i could put down my pride in front of u. however u juz reject. the closer i get to u, the more pressure u feel. my existence makes u feel uncomfortable, how i wish i could turn into the air and touch u softly.

i was damn heartbroken when u asked me not to contact u anymore.
fine, let's erase each other's contacts and lead our separate lives.
then u said u don't meant it, u want us to keep in contact.
i asked, how often? once a week?
not tat frequent.
once a year?
not tat bad.
then wad do u want?
once a month.

u want a friend. perhaps someone who said hi and bye to u once a month. i can't even hear from u. u find me a nuisance. wad do u want from me? u asked the same question to me. well, here's the answer. simple. i need u.

i don't want to say it out. i keep it inside my heart. i find hard to shoot. so i juz kept on quarrelling with him, changing the subject. silly.

going to meet him this thurs. if u don't love me anymore, don't talk to me anymore. it's cruel keeping me by yr side, telling me to hold on and wait for u while u keep hurting me by yr words. i requested for a chance given to both of us. worse till, u misinterpretted me of demanding u back. i rrly hate it!

i have no place in his heart

2006-03-07T10:58:00.000+08:00

gone. no more.

posting

2006-03-06T11:51:00.000+08:00

it's quite disappointing that i'm unable to get into bioengineering (mechanical bio). i was posted to electrical and electronics engineering, which is quite a interesting course though. =) anyway, i still prefer mechanical eng - too many guys down there! hey guys in EEE of SP, u would have 3 yrs of pleasure appreciating me! cheers! lol..

cold turkey.

2006-03-02T21:22:00.000+08:00

i want to go cold turkey. i don't want to touch any of these alcohol drinks from now onward. it only spoils my health and makes me feel silly. i don't want any of my friends to worry abt me. i'm sort of addicted to them. i hate drunkers and now i'm forced to hate myself.

my brother, he's a passive drunker. 10 years ago, he get addicted to smoking and drinking. it's heart-wrenching whenever i feel helpless. i haven't seen him for quite a long time, wondering how he is now. he throws tantrums for a day if he cant drink. it will always be 5 bottles of extreme strong alcohols for once he drank. i rrly hate it. i want to help him but he would lift up a chopper whoever stops in his way. he nearly killed only family yrs ago- i hid in a corner sobbing. so terrifying.. when no one was able to protect u.

i was drunk last night. worse than before, i don't even know wad i was doing. i actually pee in the public behind the bushes! spouting nonsense - encouraging my friend to ram with her bf. calling them hairy monsters and bia bia bia. vulgarities juz came out from my mouth - while i never do. i must be crazy - i was laughing and crying according to my friend's statements.. haha!

i woke up at 3 this morning. cool huh? indeed. i was shivering - having fever i supposed. even hit onto the walls - no comments. someone had been influencing me to join christianity ever since weeks ago. kept lending me bibles and asked me to read and read - i couldn't understand a single thing. some more i rrly don't believe in gods - nonsense. god created us to suffer in this earth and take our lives away when they want to send us up there. i still don't get it. everyone has only one life. as i said, life is precious. if the god wants us to go heaven, why not juz ahem us? if heaven is the place where we ordinary belong, why bother to create us and hurt the Earth? if heaven is the final destination towards everlasting happiness, life wil be meaningless and lousy. life will not be precious anymore.

i think i shld have get off from the wrong side of my bed. guess wad? i kept seeing big fat flies flying towards me and hit onto my glasses and then vanished. in total, there were 5 or so. my god. i don't know it was me the one whom was cock-eyed or the flies.

free-thinkers rock!

drank and drunk last night.

2006-03-01T11:07:00.000+08:00

first time to drink. i wan to be drunk forever. he bought me one can of caslberg. i gulped it all. it was tasteless.

the breakup was only few months ago. he told me he had fallen in love with someone else. this rrly hurted me, it was such a big blow. my love for him has never fade. 2 yrs of relationship yet unstable. everyone persuaded him to break up with me so he did. he supposed to be the one understanding me the most. he once told me i'm the only person whom loved him most yet hurted him the most. whenever u're down, i will be by the yr side and share yr woes. whenever u're happy, i will be there sharing yr glory.

my head was so heavy and i couldn't even walk in a straight line. frankly speaking i couldn't remember much abt ytd. all i knew was tat i kept sobbing, hugging him tightly. he offered to carry me home, but i rejected. i held him down, pleading him not to go. i want him to change for me, he said he cant. i had done so many things for him and all had gone to waste. my expectations for him.. all turning into bubbles and vanished into the air. he told me he's not worth - then y kept giving me hopes for the 2 yrs, making me believe tat u will change?

as i mentioned, i rather myself to suffer in this agony than wanting u to be hurted. u want to be free, i sacrificed myself. i replaced the bird in the cage, i will never be free. my future no longer matters u. i force myself to face yr cruelty, yr selfishness - to make sure i don't give u troubles again.

i hate men.

2006-02-28T11:44:00.000+08:00

his existence makes me feel cheap and filthy. once loved, once intimated. his heart is no longer with me, expecting a new bond of love. for me? waiting for him, maybe? hoping he makes the first move and force a hug on me - even i show reluctance. not even a sms per day is received.

wad a gal wants. profound yet simple. a deep hug despite strong thunderstorms, she would be secured. tat's wad we ever wanted. he prefers smooch though.

last meal we had - fishball noodles. tat was when i knew wad are mee kia and mee pok. whenever i'm eating fishball noodles, surprisingly u would find tearful face.

his odour and smell stay on my bed. after he's gone, my pillow has another smell. strains of tears. i sleep everyday on this bed. sometimes i even pinch my nose. hugging my bear, feeling he's around. pleading him to leave his heart behind. don't go.

ai wu li

2006-02-27T08:45:00.001+08:00

i have a lot of private things which cannot be told. haha. i wrote them in my diary. =)

double-jobs taker

2006-02-24T09:16:00.000+08:00

i have 2 jobs in hand. wow.. my mind is occupied! i won't go imagine things again. however i still have to trouble over my work. haiz.. i have insomnia almost everyday. cant slp! sob..

life as a surveyer..

2006-02-23T22:53:00.000+08:00

wad a day! free and flexible. tough yet easy. i've only fully completed 4 long survey for 6 hrs! each set of survey takes up abt 15 min. for the other 2, no full address! i have to beg them for full address, but still had gone to waste. haiz.. i must complete all 20 sets of surveys in order to get 160 bucks! i must persevere! go baby!

this morning, i met zhenhao for the jay's cd - for audition. well, i finally accepted him as a friend i think. friends forever! =)

coward of love.

2006-02-22T19:09:00.000+08:00

he told me love can be built up. i still believe love at the first sight.

is it wrong to like someone? there's no right or wrong. wad if u took him as a substitution of someone u once loved deeply? it's a big sin. i was out of my mind. i confessed tat i had a crush on him - i like him. the feelings he gives me are so alike from the other him. how i wished to tell him i juz want to love him the way i used to love him. he didn't give me any chance - cos' i provoked him. from a gd impression to a rotten one.

he didn't break my heart. it seemed to be him to break mine. i'm a coward of love.

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_6_60/ai_n13503193

me

2006-02-21T21:51:00.000+08:00

20th feb, there went his bday. cold scene. pulling a long face. anyway his friends were there to excite the atmosphere. i rrly don't know wad happened to me ytd. he didn't initiate the conversation with me. call us friends? no, we're no different from strangers.

in the lift, he asked me to smile. how i wished to tell him tat i cant smile. i'm no longer the cheerful gurl. he was talking cock to his friends all the way. i was left alone sitting there, as if i was invisble. i felt annoyed when i heard him using vulgarity. this is wad he called freedom? fine, it's no business of mine.

on the way home, we still remained silence. i wanted to talk to him but he didn't seem to. he kept asking his friends to come over. i fed up when i saw this. i threw the gift on him and left the train. how silly i was to think he will follow me out - no matter wad, if he still loves me he will chase after me. i cried, terribly. nv like this before in public. my tears juz couldn't stop flowing. i was wearing a tearful face on the way home. i stopped at under my void deck, sobbing non-stop though i know it's not worthy at all. john called then. i rrly appreciate his concern but y wasn't he the one calling me when i felt so low?

men are so heartless. ppl do change when time passes. he too.

why can't u understand?

2006-02-20T15:47:00.000+08:00

i had a tiff with her. i'm keen to learn sign language and volunteer in the community. however, she strongly objected. she said i'm not dumb or deaf and shld i waste time to do such thing. i have my own thinking. indeed i'm from a diff world. with this skill, i can communicate with the ppl, do volunteer work and bia bia bia. there are many ppl out there who needs help. i understand wad i'm doing.

it's the day.

2006-02-16T20:45:00.001+08:00

i got up late at 7 today. i don't even give a heck to school and back to slp again. haha. anyway i'm going to withdraw from MI soon. tml will be the last day i'm going back to see my friends. cant bear to leave them. we shared so many fun memories in school and bia bia bia. this is the best class tat i had even in.

i received a big bear from him ytd. well, my love for him has faded. or rather, i don't love him anymore. however i still recalled of the past feelngs we used to have. although we are friends now, but stranger will be a better word to describe him to me. i found lots of wrinkles on his face, still untidy and walking like a lame. wadever it is, he will nv change. lol.

i was accompanying him* home when i poured heavily. he ran into his house, catching the rain, to get an umbrella for me. it took rrly long for him to return back. i tot he would bring along 2 umbrellas but he only took one. we shared the umbrella and he sent me home - i don't need umbrella at all cos' i used to walking in the rain. i don't want to trouble him so i excused myself to go home alone. heart-warming part is.. he insisted of lending me his umbrella - wad if u caught rain and get sick? well, i juz accepted. i wonder how he is now. hopefully he didn't catch any cold. thanks mr. x, but i won't fall sick easily.

all about ytd, dear valentine..

2006-02-15T21:54:00.000+08:00

no valentine, i was so lonely. for the whole valentine's day, i was found bickering with some fella. nvm.. it's ok. time to let go. forgive and forget? forgive's possible, but not forget. u think it's so easy to forget u once loved? only idiots will think so. the best way is to avoid them and stop contacting. i have no idea which gundu said: "nvm, cant be lovers but still can be friends!" hello, i can confirm tat it will nv be true. if u rrly love someone with all the heart, there's no way u ppl can still remain as friends, neither enemies. some of u may turn love into hatred. please, heed my advice. u will nv be happy if u have such negative thought. as for me, i agreed to be friends with him but no close friendship, juz casual friends.

wad a valentine's day! no one to celebrate with me. so sad. well, i still received a gift from my friend. he bought me a set of silver necklace, earrings and bracelet. i thought it was some chocolate peas or so on initially. out of my expectations, it came out to be such a expensive stuff. i felt so guilty of not getting him anything - cos' i cant find anything suitable to give. i wasn't touched at all. my ma was. she said this guy is very considerate and bia bia bia. if she was in my shoes, she would be moved for sure. i felt myself pathetic then. i was supposed to be moved or smth. maybe i'm rrly numb, or rather cold-blooded after so many incidents? haha. wadever it is, i was somehow thankful to him when he said this: "i'm not askin for anything in return, juz promise me tt u will be happier k?" *copyright from text* thank you, mr. x.

class outing!

2006-02-13T19:25:00.000+08:00

awesome class gathering! we went to orchard and had lunch at seoul garden! so cool! we were enjoying playing the foods rather than eating them. after which, we went to play pool together. even some of them didn't take part in it, but they became clapping audiences and yeh yeh. haha. esp steph and joanne - including me? , they were enjoying clapping like a kindergarten kids. i was laughing my head off. it was too exaggerating but fun!

it was almost 5 then. we were then discussing abt wad to do next - actually we were blocking the ways in the shopping mall. haha. in the end we did not come out with any idea but roamed ard orchard. i suggested eating but the gals have small appetite. haiz.. too bad, i was planning to eat to my content today! urgh! the gals wanted to go shopping and i hate shopping u know? haha. at least u ppl know now.

well, this class outing was set up by vanga and he didn't turn up in the end - heard that he's going to put off the fire, fireman? lol. anyway, we rrly indulged ourselves in this lala~ outing and brought forward much closer bonds between one another. nv forget me. haha.

Memoirs 2004~2006 Part II

2006-02-10T23:43:00.000+08:00

2004 Feb, is when i had my first love. imagining i had been awaiting it to come for almost a yr, it was worth waiting anyway. he's my first guy, the first guy who liked me at the first sight. i was so desperate tt time, juz to get the taste of love and some fun out of it. i was too innocent then.

we knew each other from friendster. he was the one who began the messaging me. all i thought was to grab any guy and went steady. well, i did it. frankly speaking i had no feelings for him at all, it sounded like i'm juz a playgirl. the first time i saw him, i was so happy that he was a guy who was 1 yr older than me - i used to like guys who r taller and older than me. he's not ugly yet not gd-looking. the moment i saw him, i told myself i was going to make him as a prey of mine.

Mar 3, we went on to dating. i was so desperate that i made the 1st move to hug him. afterwhich, we went on hugging and holding hands and finally.. i was the one whom kissed him on his lips straight away. haha.. guess wad? he hit onto the pillar behind and dare not utter a sound. so sweet.. we exchanged our first kisses. the feeling was so nice. this kissing feeling lasted for 3 days tat i could still blushed the moment i thought of it.

to be continued..

Enigma

2006-02-10T17:31:00.000+08:00

i'm such a disappointment to myself. there's a saying, "u reap wad u sow". didn't i work hard enough? well, i begin to have doubts in my intelligence. am i so stupid to the extend tat i cant even get into the lousiest JC?? survey has found out japanese have the highest average IQ of 125 on the Earth and i have exactly the same IQ level! - ave. IQ for Singaporeans is 105. damn bullshit. i feel like digging out my brain and see if there's any blockages in the passages linking to my left brain.

now i only have two routes. either i can choose to go SP or MI. i cant even get into the course i want in SP! i only want to study in JC initially and take biology! argh! MI has no biology at all so wad for i go? i only want to take bioengineering in SP. u expect me to get into the course i'm not interested at all?? u better castrate me!

06S1 rocks!

2006-02-09T16:19:00.000+08:00

love my class to the core! we had taken photos together and best of all was with Keong! wow! i cant forget the happy moments with my friends today!

this might be the last gathering of all. i will still come back though. i juz can't bear to part with all the good friends i've made there! they're juz so cool! thanks Vanga for everything he had done for us like making us laughing our heads off all the time and his entertaining laughters too! to repay all his kindness, well, i got out the idea of making smth special for him which spent me half of the school day. even more, i went ard asking all our classmates to write on it. hahaz.. it's juz the time to thank him. i rrly appreciate wad he had done for us. i know he loves us to be his laughing audiences - or rather laughing orchestra? and don't want to leave us - tt's y he bought the whole box of mentos for 13 bucks and distributed to every one of us. so sweet of him! =) he likes to see us smile and he will be delighted too.

finally, i got all the class signed and gave it to him - though it's only a piece of fullscap paper, but we put in all our sincerity in it. he is moved by us i supposed. well, i know he's touched but still act like an gundu. haha! we guess he's going to laminate it and paste it on his room! haha!

Memoirs 2004~2006 Part I

2006-02-08T16:26:00.000+08:00

it's a perfect new year 2006! everything's so fresh! i love my MI ppl cos' they're juz too friendly! it rrly gives me a sense of belonging and satisfaction! =P

however, many things are juz beyond my control.. for these 2 yrs, a lot of things, no matter gd or bad, had made me into a stronger person in emotions - i used to depend on others before. i became independent, who is no longer a mommy's gurl who needs pamper and shelter. i'm responsible for everything tat goes went, got to settle myself and get back to gundus who took me for granted.

since young, my mother nv interfere in my things. she told me this, "wadever u've done wrong, it's yr responsibility to settle yrself." i nv let my parents worry abt my school work - i'm a gd gurl! haha.

2003 when i was sec 3, i suffered the biggest blow in my life. that tormentin' yr i'll nv forget. i suffered from depression which nearly drove me to death. frankly speakin' i don't hate that bitch who caused me into this state, but i thank her even though she was the murderer.

here's the story goes.. we were close friends since sec 1. however, the tragedy happened when she mixed with the wrong company when we were sec 2. she then threatened us - me & F - to bring her gang and do all the stupid bashings and blah blah blah. i knew it wasn't her intention, she didn't mean it but forced to somehow. before i could investigate into this matter, F went to report to DM while i told her not to before so. Finally, we ended up in the DM's room.

Dumb enough, she thought it was me who sabotaged her. 2004 when i was promoted to sec 3 science stream, she was in the same class as me so as F. we were all isolated from her. it was then she had some popular peeps as friends and when she became popular herself too. get it? - some ppl want to get popular so they juz mix with the popular ppl in tt particular class to get herself noticable. so.. F, as a backstabber and a social climber, threw away her dignity and apololgised to her. i didn't mind but she was too much to backstab me. tat's the reason y that bitch threw all her hatred on me. wad could i do? kindly accepted her gifts.

Wad came next was the worst. ever since then, she spouted nonsense abt me and embarassed me in front of her friends. well, her friends didn't say anything, neither did they stop her. she made my life miserable every single days. even so, i still tried to mend back our friendship though she treated me so harshly. i was so naive that we could still love each other. bullshit. i cried over this matter for the whole year, serious, though i knew it didn't worth. gradually, i began to depress more as the days went by like locking myself in my room, skipping my school - i went to sch only twice/thrice a week, lying on my bed and grieved.. sad enough i even gave up studying.

My teachers by then were all biased. they practised favouritism whereby the ppl whom had done academically well are considered as good students, student like me whom skipped school oftenly was considered as a rubbish. some teachers picked on me, giving some sarcastic remarks. some teachers didn't even bother to teach me cos' they had already given up on me! they thought i'm a bad student but they were wrong. they didn't even care to ask wad made me in this state. f*ck off. news abt me suffering from depression began to spread around the whole school when i looked up to the vice-principal. strange, it was then the teachers came to concern abt me - fakers.

The day i went erupted was in 2004 May. my parents didn't realise i'm suffering from depression and kept forcing me to go back to school. i kept going against their wishes and i threatened them that i would jump down from my home here. there my brother despised me as a weakling and dared me to end my life - they didn't know how serious i was then. without a second thought, i rushed to my home's kitchen and climbed over the kitchen. when i was already half-hanged outside my window, almost fell - u can't imagine how horrible was tt, my brother and my ma held me back tightly. i was struggling to fall, how silly! committing suicide wasn't a success, i was forced coming back and my ma cried, so do i - cos' i couldn't end my misery.

after this incident, my ma felt regretted and she sobbed tat night. at that very second, i told to myself i would make her pay for my tears, energy and the heartaches she had brought to me and my family. as to relieve my ma's worries, i continued to go to school - instead of bringing along my books, i brought along my guts.

2005 when i was so lucky to be promoted to sec 4. i promised and sweared to my family and myself i would lead a new life and be strong. guts were added by the adam's workshop. i got back to her. there the war began.. demoralising her, sucked up her life, i won't let her go scot-free. i did it. by then she hated me more. tat feelings were so shiok when u had someone to share yr tolerment and not suffering all by yrself.

to be continued..